too much fun

kevin was home for father's day. this made me so happy and yet also set me up for the disappointment that was to come. he had duty on saturday, so got home early sunday morning. we were all up. and layla had eaten. she was in a great mood...smiling big for daddy while he opened his cards and gifts. i asked kevin what he wanted to do that day and he didn't have any specific requests except that he wanted to be outdoors. i suggested it be something that wasn't TOO far away and that wasn't TOO expensive because, well, layla has the potential to ruin an outing in sheer minutes. i suggested we go to point loma, see the cabrillo monument and look at the tidepools. he thought this sounded like a great idea. and then i mentioned we could stop by point loma sea food and pick up some fish on the way home to grill for dinner...also a stellar idea! so, yay! father's day was going to be perfect! except the looming fear that one tiny baby would send all these "plans" spinning into orbit.

i try. i really really try. i take layla out most days. most of those days i'm completely miserable. she is miserable. she is inconsolable. so, i have a wild toddler who doesn't listen and a screaming baby who will not be comforted by anything other than my boob. which, while pushing a shopping cart is just all kinds of impossible. on the other hand, on the days i stay home, kaia is miserable. just boucning off the walls, exploding with energy, not listening to mommy, miserable. i'm at a loss.

anyway, kevin hasn't experienced taking them both out much. he sees how fussy layla is at home, but hasn't had the joyous experience of trying to handle both of their needs while away from home. and i feel like i'm being negative when i automatically thought that our day wasn't going to end up as planned. but, am i just being realistic? so, we get ready. go get gas. stop for some on the road breakfast. layla is sleeping this whole time in the car. as soon as we pull up to the beautiful look out point to get out and go hike down to the tidepools, the crying begins. not a big deal (i'm trying to be positive)...she's just hungry. so, we get her out of the carseat and i feed her. for a long time. i wanted to be sure that she wasn't hungry for a while. once we're done, kevin and kaia get out of the car and i get out with layla. strap on the ergo and snuggle her in. NO. WAY. she is having NONE of it. i take her back out and there is no consoling her. kevin offers to just carry her in his arms (if you could have seen the, uh, CLIFF we were hiking down (did i mention the ocean below?) you would have looked at him like he was crazy, too!

so, i did what any good mother would do...i told him to take kaia and i would stay with layla in the car while she screamed her ever-loving head off. he protested, insisting that i take kaia and he stay with layla because, after all, i have to deal with this on a daily basis while he's gone...to which i protested louder and more obnoxiously because it was FATHER'S DAY damn it, and you will go have fun with your other daughter who constantly gets the short end of the stick these days. so, he went. i settled layla down and again tried to get her in the carrier. hell. no. again. so, she screamed and cried. and i just lost it. in that moment, all of the "strength" that has held me together for the time that kevin has been gone, for the two months since layla has been born, completely and utterly evaporated. i was bawling big bad boo hoo tears while holding my crying baby and looking at the beautiful ocean. wishing we could be down with kevin and kaia. and totally and absolutely resenting layla and her "fragile" emotional state at all times.

when kevin and kaia came back, i was no longer crying. but, a husband just knows (i had sunglasses on, so it wasn't my eyes giving it away!) he said, "i kept looking up the hill hoping you guys were coming down" which started the waterworks all over again. i forget exactly how the next few minutes went, but i remember that he said that i deserve to have some fun, too. and the words that escaped my mouth shocked me to my core. i said "i haven't had any fun in two months. one more day is not going to make a difference". this made me so sad for obvious reasons. yet, it. was. the. truth. ugh. that is so hard to say. but i felt some sense of relief from saying it.

everyone tells you to enjoy the newborn days/weeks/months because they flutter by so quickly. this it true in the whole scheme of things. but, when you are a parent with a colicky and fussy baby that is not even comforted by your own arms (i guess a boob counts), these feel like the longest days of my life.

we packed the car up and then drove up to the point and attempted again. we'll just leave her in the carseat and put her in the stroller. it's the carrier that is making her fussy. optimism at it's finest. needless to say, that didn't go as planned. layla screamed and cried, so we turned around and packed it all up again. we started driving home and when we got to point loma seafood, there wasn't even parking available and people were lined up out of the parking lot. so, we kept driving. stopped by anthony's, but again, parking was a nightmare. finally gave it one last shot at the fishmarket and i jumped out while kevin drove around. bingo. wild alaskan halibut. yum. we got home. put the kids to bed and toasted a beer and called our dads. the rest of the day/evening was absolutely wonderful. both girls were in great moods. our food was awesome. i cooked for the first time in i don't know how long. and tiger forced a tie breaker round in the u.s. open. all in all, a truly beautiful day...where nothing went as planned, but everything turned out perfectly in the end.

layla is somewhat growing out of her fussiness this week. she actually stays awake for longer periods of time and is HAPPY. and not miserable. when she smiles, i cry. when she cries, i cry. i love that little baby with all my heart. i feel such a primal and protective and all-emcompassing love for her. the bond is amazing. but, oh my god, is she giving this momma a run for her money.