I hope you dance...

I'm still having a hard time believing that Kaia graduated from preschool on Saturday!
Today is the first Monday of our summer break and I must say, I'm a little sad. We loved her school and teachers and I'm bummed that Layla cannot go until next year.
Kaia starts Kindergarten on August 1.
My how the time does fly...
We're so proud of you Kaia!
Keep singing baby girl.

Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity
I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away
(lyrics to Upside Down by Jack Johnson)

dear me

i remember the day so clearly.  kevin was on deployment with his last ship and we were talking during one of our infrequent phone calls.  it happened to be the same phone call where i had to tell him about the lump in layla's breast.  so, when he told me that the deployment for the next ship he was going to had been "bumped up" in time, i didn't really care.  it didn't register.  i was too busy freaking out about layla. and my dad.  nothing else mattered.  everything else seemed minuscule in comparison.

and then everything seemed to settle down, as things always do.  and i was able to comprehend what this next year and a half looked like for our family.  and i have to say that i've had to approach the situation with a feeling of numbness.  because looking at moving overseas, coupled with a year and a half of single-parenting was just too much for me to wrap my head around.  my mantra became "one hour at a time".

kevin left on his last deployment last january 2009.  he came home in june.  we packed up our house in san diego, drove across the country and i stayed with his parents in north carolina for 3 months while he attended multiple trainings in virginia...making the 6 hour drive home EVERY SINGLE friday night, just to turn around and make the 6 hour drive back every sunday.  those were long, long weeks.  waiting for friday and dreading sunday...over and over and over.

at the end of kevin's training, we packed up, drove back across country, jumped on a plane in california and landed in hawaii.  we got our household goods and spent the two weeks he was here unpacking and hanging pictures on the walls.  i needed pictures on the walls.  i needed this to feel like home while he was gone.  again.  and i knew not a soul on the island.

there have been great days, there have been good days and there have been bad days.  and then there have been really bad days.  the days where i'm about 2 seconds from "phoning a friend" to come and take the girls. we aren't supposed to do this alone.  it's too much.  we are supposed to have a large support group of other mothers and a large extended family to help us.

i am lucky.  i know that i have made friends already here in hawaii who would drop anything if i needed something.  and i have a mom who would do the same, it might just take a little bit longer :)

i guess what i'm trying to say, as this deployment draws to an end...as all my feelings that i've been stuffing down as a means of daily survival finally rise to the surface, is that i'm proud of me.  this is hard.  i miss my husband terribly.  i worry that our girls' relationship with him will suffer when he is gone so much.  i FREAK out about how i am raising my chilren...am i doing it right?  there is no one here to help.  if they grow up to be complete monsters, i have no one to blame but myself.  and it's all just a lot to handle.  some days getting breakfast on the table is a lot to handle :)

but, we're here.  we survived.  a couple more weeks and we'll all be together again.  like it's supposed to be.  i need a hug.  a hug like only my husband can give as i crumble in his arms, finally able to release all the stress and loneliness and exhaustion and worry.  so that he can tell me it's ok.  we made it.  we made it.

i can't wait.

april 9th, 2008

i remember this day so well. the details are almost more clear than april 10th, layla's birthday. my emotions were so over the top crazy that i could barely stand myself. it was all i could do to hold it together all day. i will have to say that there are benefits to knowing the day you are going to meet your new baby and there are also definite drawbacks. i was kind of a mess. what a surprise, right?

i have yet to write out kaia's birth story. mostly because it was somewhat traumatic for me. it was exactly the opposite of the way i wished everything would have turned out...with the exception of the healthy baby and mama of course. which is the ultimate blessing, and what i have leaned on time after time, whenever i feel disappointed in the way things turned out. but, for times sake, lets just leave it at the fact that i had a c-section with kaia. and my OB was all about ME making the decision as to what i wanted to do with layla (repeat C or VBAC).

anyhow, this was the day that i thought i was going to ruin my first daughter's life! i was still so in love with her. there was no way i could even imagine loving another baby in the same way. and i was so fearful of how kaia would react. i didn't want to hurt her. i didn't want her to feel left out or overlooked. i didn't want her to feel pushed aside for the "new baby". and i remember just holding her. rocking her in the glider and bawling my eyes out. repeatedly telling her how much i loved her. hoping and hoping and hoping that everything would be okay and that she would LOVE her sister and not feel replaced by her. she had had all the attention up until now and how in the world was she going to deal with losing a bunch of that attention as it was redistributed to our new baby girl? i am happy to say that kaia has never shown anything other than complete exuberance for her baby sister. sometimes it is over the top. but, it's love. and love is all you need.

the other thing i had struggled with for the duration of my pregnancy with layla was death. was it responsible of me to choose an "elective" c-section and to subject me and my new baby to surgery without a definite need? believe me when i say that i ponderend over this decision for the entire 9 months of my pregnancy with layla. i had a husband that expressed his opinion, but at the same time was fully supportive of whatever decision i felt most comfortable with. i had an OB that supported whatever decision i eventually made. and i chose the C. i don't feel the need to justify the reasons to anyone else, but after all is said and done, i am okay with my decision. in the middle of the ordeal, however, i was so scared. but, obviously i was more scared of trying the VBAC and having it end as it did with kaia. my head told me to go with the C and my heart said VBAC. i went with my head in this instance.

me and kevin and my mom and kaia went to dinner the night before layla was born. i was fine. it was yummy dinner. at the end of the meal, the waitress asked when i was due (probably because i looked like i was going to explode at any minute!). when i told her that i was scheduled for a c-section the next day, she politely and sincerly expressed her hope that everything would work out okay and that the baby and i would both be fine. as soon as the words left her mouth, the waterworks started. i was the DD and had to drive home. and i could not stop crying! i was so afraid that my decision to have surgery was going to leave me gone and my husband to raise two beautiful girls. i could not let go of this fear. my sleep this night was fitful and scarce. at 6 am i awoke to an alarm. i called the hospital and they confirmed that they wanted us there in about 15 mins. my anxiety kicked into high gear at this point!

(to be continued. with layla's birth story)

a day i will never forget

well, well, well miss layla. i'm confident in saying that today was the most scared i've ever been in my entire 31 years on this earth. i could hardly breathe this morning. it was all i could do to get all of us ready to go. my heart was in my throat from the moment my eyelids slammed open at 6 am until we climbed back into the car after our appointment. my anxiety must have been evident to kaia, who gave me the purple bracelet this morning, which matched the green one she was wearing...and told me that we would be together even though she was not with me. all because we had matching bracelets. you were with me, kaia. thank you.

you always hear that to have a child is to consequentially carry your own heart outside of your body for the rest of your life. and at no point in my chidrens' lives has that been more clear than today. i was terrified that someone was going to grab my heart and stomp on it leaving it incapable of ever being the same.

i can say that that didn't happen today. we're still waiting for the results from the pediatrician. but, i have more hope. for now my heart is still safe. and so are my children.

holding

i haven't been posting. because i've essentially been holding my breath for the past week. and i didn't want to say anything because i don't want to be an alarmist. but, i've decided that i will feel better if i say something. and that we can use all the prayers, good thoughts, whatever that anyone reading this can muster.

last weekend, as i was putting lotion on layla after her bath, i noticed a (relatively) large lump under her left nipple. i decided to give it until monday to see what happened. on monday it was still there, so i called the doctor at 8:30am. i was expecting to get an appointment sometime within the week, but they had me come in at 11:30am. i was kind of caught off guard because i didn't think i would be dealing with it so soon! i was soon overcome with fear, anxiety and relief (that we would get to the bottom of whatever this was).

so, we went to the doctor. she measured the lump at 1.5 cm. she asked a million questions. in those questions, the issue of lavender oil came up. she asked if we used any products with lavender oil in them. off the top of my head, i only mentioned that i had used some johnson's lavender lotion on her on saturday. but, that was the first and only time i had ever used that particular lotion on her. she mentioned some studies that are being done regarding lavender oil and the development of breast tissue in babies. she would get back to me. but, in the meantime, let's set up an ultrasound to determine the size and texture of the lump. she told me that from all the questions i had answered that this sounds like something benign, but we need to make sure. we also discussed other possibilities, including extra estrogen from me because of extended breastfeeding, but i told her that my milk supply was not much and that actually that day was the first day that layla had not nursed at all, as she had begun weaning.

so, i walked out of there just about as terrified as when i had walked in. i was honestly hoping that she would tell me "oh that? that's nothing! no worries!", but she didn't say that. don't get me wrong, i LOVE our doctor. but, she can't responsibly tell me that everything is going to fine and that nothing is wrong...and isn't that what we all want as mothers?

later that night (at 7:15pm!) the pediatrician called me at home. she looked further into the studies and wanted to tell me to stop using any products with lavender in them. i told her that since we had last spoke, i realized that layla's everyday lotion (california baby calming) has lavender in it. as does the fabric softener i was using. she recommended stopping use of all of those products so that we could see what happened when we did. in the studies she had read, the breast tissue development resolved upon discontinuation of the use of the lavender products.

when we were on the phone, i told her that she had not mentioned that layla's lump may be breast tissue. is that what she thought it was and not...? she said the words, "no, i do not think it's cancer", but obviously we both reiterated that she cannot know that for sure until more evaluation is completed. however, those words were so reassuring to me.

i tried to keep this from kevin. because i knew how helpless and scared i felt. and i imagined that he would feel 10 million times more helpless, and i was right. but, i needed him to know. i needed my best friend in what seemed like my worst nightmare. and so, we're walking through this together. and i'm hoping that's all it is, is just a walk. a walk on the beach, preferably.

the rest of this week was spent on the phone between our doctor's office, our insurance company, various radiology/imaging places and finally children's hospital. i'm mentally exhausted (hence the margarita i'm drinking right now!) i finally got layla an appointment at children's for next tuesday, april 7th. the prospect of even going to children's hospital kind of freaked me out. but, now i'm happy about it. i'm sure they are much more equipped and skilled at doing an ultrasound on a baby. i also hope they are skilled at calming the nerves of terrified mothers.

layla is acting normal. although she's had a cold for the past week and today she developed a fever and was not acting like herself. i called the doctor and she said to wait it out until tomorrow, although if things got worse to go to the ER (i wanted to make sure that the two issues were not in any way related, and she said, no). layla fell asleep in the exersaucer this morning at 8:30 am! then napped for 3 hours, then napped for 3 more hours and now is in bed for the night at 6:30pm. she's eating and peeing and everything, but it still kind of scared me. she just had no energy (although after the second 3 hour nap, her temp was normal and she was playing with kaia, so that made me feel better).

in the meantime, my daddy was just diagnosed with colon cancer a couple of weeks ago. he is undergoing surgery to remove the tumor next week on the 9th, so we will be traveling up to orange county to be there for that. and layla's first birthday! and easter!

ugh, we need some serious good thoughts and prayers this month...and maybe more margaritas :)

p.s. i don't want anyone/everyone who is using anything with lavender in them to stop using them just because of this! it's just something we're exploring. i can't say that i'm convinced that the lavender is the cause, but i'm obviously willing to try anything to get to the bottom of this. not trying to scare anybody!!

you know you're a mom when...

the other night i was sound asleep. i think it was around midnight when layla's cries woke me up through the monitor. and it wasn't a fussing cry, but a cry that something was wrong. as i always do, i went straight to her room, picked her up and tried to diagnose the problem. there was nothing wrong that was apparent to me, but obviously she was having trouble getting back to sleep. so, i sat down in the glider with her...and then it hit me. i had to pee. this ALWAYS happens to me. you would think after two kids i would wise up and assess my bladder situation BEFORE going to get the baby. but, no. does this happen to everyone? or is it like when i was a kid and would play hide and seek and EVERY single time i was hiding i had to pee all of a sudden. it's like the fact that you "can't" makes it worse...

anyway, layla was not crying, but when i tried to put her down in the crib, she started wailing again. i didn't want to leave her there crying and i definitely didn't want two kids up at that hour, so i took her with me to the bathroom. i knew it wouldn't work, but i started to set her down on the ground right next to the toilet. JUST FOR A SECOND?! PLEASE?! nope. wailing again. so, i held her on my lap while i peed. except for her head was on my right shoulder, and she was in my right arm. and the toilet paper was on the right side of the toilet, on the wall. and she had almost fallen asleep! just like that! (i swear i was not on there that long :)) so, what did i do? i did not want to move her over to my other side and i could not reach the toilet paper with my left hand. so, i sat there. seriously. for like 10 minutes. until she was completely asleep. then i transferred her to the other arm, took care of business (i even washed my hand!) and then put her back to bed. and the whole time i was sitting on the toilet (because i didn't have a whole lot else to do) i was thinking: did i ever in my life think i would sit on a toilet for 10 minutes waiting for my child to go to sleep? but, i did. and i would do it again in a heartbeat :)

first haircut! finally!

as some of you may know, i took kaia to get her hair cut back in november? i think it was november. anyway, we planned a little playdate, so her friends were there. and they all went first. and if you know kaia, i was not anticipating ANY problems. i mean, she's been fearless since the day she was born! so, we got there and they have a playroom, so that was a nice distraction and provided entertainment during the waiting period. and the kiddos went one at a time, first jayda, then mya. and aaron was even there for moral support for the girls :) but when kaia's turn came? uh uh. no way. it was NOT happening no matter how many promises of lollipops and ice cream and toys and magical flying ponies (who knows what kinds of things we promise as parents just for a little cooperation!) so, we left.

and since that day, kaia has told me almost every single day that she does not want to "take a hair cut". and i was fine with that. even though her hair was almost to her butt and the split ends were driving me bonkers, i didn't prod or try to encourage her to get her haircut. every time she mentioned not wanting a haircut, i told her that was fine. one time i told her that her hair might get so long that it would stretch all the way from the upstairs bathroom, down the stairs, out the front door, and into the street where people would walk over it and kids would ride their bikes over it and cars might drive over it. she thought this was hilarious. and it became the topic of conversation every time i brushed her hair.

i'm going to miss those conversations.

last week, kaia told me she wanted to "take a hair cut." out of the blue. so, on monday we went. i didn't have high hopes and was prepared for it to end just as it did last time. but, she was such a big girl and never even had a second thought. she was very adamant that it stay long and that we only cut a little bit, which i'm sure makes her daddy very happy. so, the pictures don't show a lot of change physically, but my baby girl is growing up. and it's times like this where i can no longer be in denial about that...

she got 2 french braids and glitter and ribbons in her hair. she looked like a princess! i hadn't promised her anything. no bribes. no rewards. but, gamma and i couldn't help but take her out for an ice cream (okay frozen yogurt, but she doesn't know the difference!) afterward.

i love you princess bear!

dear daddy

hi! this posting of emails i've written is really easy! and lazy! see this one from today...

From: Kristin White
Sent: Wed 3/04/09 2:57 PM
To: Kevin White)
subj: hi daddy!

it's layla. i like to scream. i've been screaming and crying for two whole days now! my top teeth are trying to push through. i don't want to drink anything, formula or breastmilk. i don't want to sleep. i don't want mommy to hold me. and i don't want to play on the floor. i don't want to sit in the high chair or in the jeep. i don't want to get in the car. i don't want my sister to try and make me laugh, or tickle me.

mostly, i don't want to stop SCREAMING! i finally fell asleep after 8 pm last night (mommy put me down around 6:30). but, that was only after i threw up all over my bed and myself and my nighnigh doggie. and THEN, i woke up every hour on the hour for the rest of the night! and i cried whenever mommy put me back to bed. and then i woke up at 5 am. for the day! isn't that fun daddy? and then mommy thought i should finally take a nap around 10 this morning, so i did. for 45 minutes daddy! and then mommy put me down for a nap at 1:30 again and i slept AGAIN, for 25 minutes! mommy gave me a bottle, but i didn't want it and threw it out of my crib. she also tried to nurse me (many many many times) and i just keep biting her. she screams and i see actual tears in her eyes. i think it must hurt her pretty badly.

i think mommy is at the end of her rope. i'm trying to be good, but i'm in pain daddy. and i think i'm sick. again. maybe you should send mommy a big bottle of wine. or vodka. or a pack of cigarettes. or some illicit drugs. but, really i think she'd just be happy to have some sleep...and for me to stop SCREAMING...

i love you daddy!

love,
layla

in my own words...

part of an email i sent to kelly today...just because it sums up our whole day, pretty much.

i was embarrassed just because kaia had an accident (stupid, i know), but i was just embarassed for her.

kaia woke up from her nap screaming and crying. it went on for over an hour. and all she kept yelling was that she wanted daddy. can daddy ride his bike home from hong kong? can daddy color with me in hong kong, can we go visit daddy at work now...and on and on, except hysterical. i finally got her calmed down by putting on a movie, but man was i exhausted! so, i had a milkshake for dinner :)

we've talked/seen him on skype last night and again this morning and again tonight, so i think that may be making things worse instead of better. she doesn't understand that he's so far away since she can see him in the computer. but, i can't tell him or her that it's not a good idea.

yeah, maybe we can switch off mondays...and take the big kids out on their own. can't hurt, i'm sure...

i just keep telling myself it will all be funny one day. many years from now :) and when they're teenagers out doing god knows what, we'll wish they were just peeing their pants!

~k

today was one of the hard ones. hoping tomorrow will be better.

heart warming

today was pretty awesome. for some reason, i was able to look past the day to day monotony and see each moment for what it was. and appreciate it. my hope is to be able to do that all of the time, but it takes practice, that's for sure! anyway, this morning, i was holding layla and looking in the mirror like we always do. first she looked at my reflection in the mirror and said "mama" and then she looked at her reflection and said "baby". she continued by looking at the pictures of her and kaia on my dresser and saying baby to both of them. it was just one of those moments when you find it hard to believe that you made this little person. and they've come all of this way! how is she talking already??!! like i said, simple, but brought me to tears nonetheless.

today, kaia came up to me all distraught. i asked her what was the matter. she was crying and her hands were soaking wet. and in my mind, i'm like GREAT, what now? i could only imagine the mess i was going to find in the bathroom. instead she hysterically said, "WHERE IS DADDY'S TOWEL. WE HAVE TO GET DADDY'S TOWEL. MOMMY, WHERE IS DADDY'S TOWEL?!" i calmly explained that i had taken it down to wash it (finally!). and she continued "MOMMY, NO! WE HAVE TO LEAVE IT SO THAT DADDY CAN HAVE IT WHEN HE COMES HOME! MOMMY GET DADDY'S TOWEL!" needless to say, there is now a bath towel back on daddy's rack...holding a place for him until he gets home. it must have been one of those things that comforted her and made her confident that daddy is in fact coming back home...my bad.

and you know how on dora and lots of other tv shows they're always telling the kids what to do or say? well, for some reason, kaia JUST started doing whatever they say. it's so funny to watch and listen to! she was totally speaking spanish today!

one of my favorite moments from today was while layla was napping and kaia and i were snuggling on the couch. i went to get up to do something and kaia said "mommy, please don't go, i want to snuggle". so, i put off whatever it was i was going to do and stayed there with her. sometimes (okay a lot of the time!) i reminisce back to the time when kaia couldn't talk and remember how peaceful it was. no back talking, no screaming, no whining. but, THEN, all it takes is a moment like this and i am so thankul for her words.

thank you girls, you are making each day without your daddy enjoyable and i never thought that would be possible.

comedian

kaia made up her first joke today during breakfast.


kaia: "why did the san diego tomato walk in the door?"

me: "i don't know, why?"

kaia: "so he could say KNOCK KNOCK!" cue uncontrollable toddler laughter...


and then uncontrollable adult laughter, like only a mother could know.

gibberish

subject #1
in case there was ANY doubt that kevin is gone for a lengthy period of time, let's review the tell-tale signs:

1. the ice maker is broken
2. one of the controls for the sprinklers has "sprung a leak" and is spraying water. all the time. 24/7.
3. the circuit(?) blew in the garage today, so the entire back wall of the garage has no power. this would include the fridge that's out there.

whew. good to know everything is normal!!!

subject #2
you know how you don't really realize the things you say all the time until you have a little person who repeats those things? today i ran upstairs to brush my teeth while kaia was downstairs coloring. she's never really colored on anything other than paper and her table (and the carpet, once) and she knows she's not supposed to. so, when i came downstairs to see her coloring on her toy kitchen, my jaw dropped and i yelled "kaia!, what is going ON??" in all seriousness, she set the crayon down, looked at me and said "mommy, i think i must have lost my mind". i could not help but laugh (great parenting skills, right?). apparently when she does things she's not supposed to i ask her if she's lost her mind :).

subject #3
apparently i can no longer stand these "santa ana" conditions in southern cali. for the past three days i've had crazy sinus headaches in the afternoon/evening.

that is all. sorry for the lack of any coherent thoughts!

just for tonight

kevin's schedule is pretty brutal right now, but we were lucky enough to see him for a couple of nights last week (haha! never thought i'd be saying i was lucky to see my husband for 2 days in six weeks!) we defintitely made the most of it and packed a bunch of stuff into two evenings. so, here are some pictures from those two days...










it's so confusing for a two year old (almost 3!). if i'm being honest, two days of daddy being home is almost worse than if he were to just stay gone, behavior-wise. of course we are all so happy to see him when he's here...even if it's only for a couple of days. but at two years old, kaia just doesn't have the skills to cope. i try to talk to her about it, but she deals with it in her own way. she bounces off the walls and backslides in behaviors and skills she's previously mastered. i try to just give her space and time, but that's hard, too. so, we have lots of hugs and sometimes tears. we read extra books and i lay with her in the bed at night before she falls asleep. and we don't sweat the small stuff. luckily her age also allows her to continue life as normal within a day or two. this is definitely not the life i had envisioned for my family way back when, but i wouldn't change it for the world. and in many ways it's better than i ever could have imagined. we all have so much fun when we're together. i just miss my best friend when he's gone...

midlife crisis?

have you heard this song????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! try it. tell me you didn't cry...i won't beleive you :)




so, i've always liked country music, but i don't really listen to it anymore. reason one is that the hubs doesn't particularly care for it. reason two is that i typically cry during every third song! and it's kinda difficult to explain to a two year old why you're always crying in the car. i'm a lyrics girl...and this one is a doozie. anyway, back to how i heard it. i've started listening to country music in the car more and more ever since kaia started singing these lyrics to sean kingston's song:

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

yeah. time to change the music up.

and one can only listen to soooooooooo much hullabaloo. don't get me wrong, i love hullabaloo, but you know what i mean. so, country it is. the day i heard this song for the first time, i was reduced to a puddle of tears on the floor of the car. who am i kidding...EVERYTIME i hear this song, i'm a blubbering mess. so, that's how i came to hear this song.

now, the midlife crisis part? i am obsessed with how fast time is passing right now. i can't stop thinking about having another baby (already! what is wrong with me???!!). is this what's known as your biological clock ticking? i never had that before either of my other kids. maybe it's just because i know we're not having any more? who knows. but, i've been waking layla up before i go to bed just to feed her, but she sleeps through the night! i'm doing it just for me! so that i can spend some solo quiet time with her. and stare at her. i feel like i haven't had that opportunity the same way i did with kaia. and this time feels like sand slipping through my hands. i can't make it stop. and i can't stop thinking about that.

some mommy friends and i were recently talking about anger and how to diffuse it in the moment. i swear, i've found the magic potion. start singing the lyrics to this song. seriously. i've been doing it for about a week now and it's marvelous. when kaia has pushed my very last button and the fire starts shooting out of my ears (i kid!), i start singing this song. out loud most of the time, but she's started telling me to stop singing it to her (i guess she doesn't realize i'm singing it to myself...), so sometimes i just hum, or sing to myself. i'm a little crazy like that. and it works!

"you're going to miss this..."

my new make-it-through-another-day anthem. all joking aside, the message of the song is helping me to appreciate each and every day. even when i'm only hanging on by a thread.

six months

i read some of the posts from when layla was first born and it seems like so long ago. i look at kaia, who will be three in a month, and it seems like only yesterday that i brought her home from the hospital.

i was reading an article the other day and there was a quote relating to raising children:

"the days are long, but the years are so short"

so. true.

layla is six months old today. i can hardly believe it...

i just cannot.

so, people are having babies.

baby girls.

and i've volunteered to give some in-good-condition hand-me-downs as a kind of group gift for at least one new baby girl.

i've been putting this off, unconsciously, i think. but, tomorrow is d-day, and i needed to go through layla's (some from kaia) too small clothes today. probably not a great day since our family left and kevin left for a brief underway, which left me feeling pretty let-down and lonely. but, i carted both girls upstairs to layla's room. layla laid on the ground and kaia played with her, while i went into the closet and looked through the clothes i've stacked in there as layla has outgrown them. how did this happen? wasn't it just yesterday that i was purchasing these clothes for kaia, or opening them at kaia's baby shower? it seems only a minute has passed since i pulled them back out for layla. and yet, all logic tells me that we're now done with them.

as i sat on the closet floor, i looked up to see my two girls playing together on the floor. kaia is so big and those once crystal clear memories of her birth and the year that followed are growing more and more foggy, as memories always do. she is so long and lean. there is hardly any evidence of my baby remaining. and then there's layla. i am so in love with her. her chubby hands and feet, her dimply elbows, knees and cheeks, and her sudden calm baby demeanor. kevin's mom and grandma visited this past week and kept repeating over and over what a calm and happy baby layla is. of course they know the story that we tell them about her first 3-4 months, but they are not jaded by that. they saw her for who she is today without judging and it made me so happy. layla is pretty much a dream right now. but the two girls love each other so much. nobody can make layla smile bigger than kaia can. and kaia actually cried the other night because kevin forgot to let her say goodnight to layla and give her a hug and a kiss before he put her to bed. times are good and we are all so happy. except for daddy's pesky job. that always throws a wrench into things, doesn't it?

i cannot part with the clothes, yet. i was in tears as i watched my kids and smelled the little newborn baby clothes that were bought with love for both of my girls. and i know that they are material goods. i know that they can be replaced. but, the memories cannot. and i just cannot let go for good.

i have a bunch of clothes that were handed down to layla from another friend. most of them were out of season for us, so i will give those clothes instead. they will still be appreciated, i'm sure...and i will not have to give up my memories quite yet.

i love you girls and i hope that you grow to enjoy each other more and more everyday. i know i do.

my new calendar

because i just realized TODAY that i don't even have a baby book for layla, i'm using my blog as a calendar so that i don't forget important milestone. how lame. sorry layla, really i love you to pieces. even if i did have a baby book , i'm not so sure when i'd find the time to fill it out. all in time baby, i promise!

anyway, layla rolled over from her back to her tummy on sunday august 10th. she was exactly four months old :)

R.I.P. ???!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. i refuse. please tell me it isn't so. i know i've been in denial for about a month now, but it just can't be. i can't even bring myself to say it...

(i think kaia is giving up her naps) shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

no, really.

anyone who is a stay at home parent knows the necessity that is the Nap. it's not optional. how will i live without it?

the nap is an essential ingredient to a successful day. without a nap, kaia is a monster by early evening. for example, today. no nap. and she was asleep for the night at 6:30pm. not very convenient considering she sees her dad for only a couple of hours each night anyway. luckily tonight he has duty, so no real loss. except for my sanity! as soon as i realize she's not going to nap it begins a neverending anxiety attack for me. i refuse to get into a control battle about it, but omg, it takes all i have to remain neutral and not scream and stomp and pout!

so, i haven't given up completely. i still mandate quiet time in her room. but 1. she's not quiet...and 2. she doesn't stay in her room! today she went into layla's room and woke her up from her blissful nap. so, i had two cranky kids up for the rest of the day. there went the errands i was supposed to run this afternoon. she also managed to empty every piece of clothing from every single drawer, take every single toy out of her storage bins, push the storage bin thingy over so that it was laying on the ground, dismantle the papasan chair that is in her room, etc, etc, etc.

the thing is that i'd give it up just to escape the almost daily battle that naptime has become. BUT, i don't think she's ready! and god knows I'M not ready. she's not choosing not to nap because she's not tired, she's just trying to push the limits to see where she can get. challenging the rules. trying to exert her independence. and i'm all for raising a smart, independent daughter who doesn't feel the need to conform, but can't it wait until she's no longer under my roof? :) save it for college baby girl...and bring back the afternoon peace for momma.

thankful.

my sweet, darling daughter has graced me with her presence today. i'm so glad to have her back!

kaia has been so good. it's like old times again. she has listened to me. she's had no time outs. she's cleaned up all her toys and eaten all her food. she hasn't had any accidents all day. she's peed on the big potty many times without me even asking. she wipes and flushes and washes her hands all by herself. she's been polite and sweet. she snuggled with me while i was feeding layla (instead of getting into trouble because she knows there's not much i can do). she's been sweet and gentle with layla all day. she helped me fold laundry. she told me we should turn off the tv during breakfast so that we (she) didn't watch it and then we could turn it back on when we were done eating. and last, but not least...nap time was not a struggle.

so, i'm perfectly aware that this could end at any given moment. but, it feels good to be able to give her praise and credit. it feels good to not have to yell. but mostly it makes me realize how much i missed her, so i hope this keeps up for a little while :)

isn't it funny...

how things happen? i finally got up the courage to put up the post about kaia not missing daddy when he's gone. he has duty today. and guess what she's been saying all day?

"i just want my daddy to come back home" and talking about all the fun things they did yesterday.

thank GOD.

i mean, it made me tear up, but i was soooooooo relieved. i've always known that they have a great relationship and all that, but it was serioulsy beginning to concern me that she never mentioned missing him or wondering where he was, etc.

whew. cross that one off the mommy worry list.