i just cannot.

so, people are having babies.

baby girls.

and i've volunteered to give some in-good-condition hand-me-downs as a kind of group gift for at least one new baby girl.

i've been putting this off, unconsciously, i think. but, tomorrow is d-day, and i needed to go through layla's (some from kaia) too small clothes today. probably not a great day since our family left and kevin left for a brief underway, which left me feeling pretty let-down and lonely. but, i carted both girls upstairs to layla's room. layla laid on the ground and kaia played with her, while i went into the closet and looked through the clothes i've stacked in there as layla has outgrown them. how did this happen? wasn't it just yesterday that i was purchasing these clothes for kaia, or opening them at kaia's baby shower? it seems only a minute has passed since i pulled them back out for layla. and yet, all logic tells me that we're now done with them.

as i sat on the closet floor, i looked up to see my two girls playing together on the floor. kaia is so big and those once crystal clear memories of her birth and the year that followed are growing more and more foggy, as memories always do. she is so long and lean. there is hardly any evidence of my baby remaining. and then there's layla. i am so in love with her. her chubby hands and feet, her dimply elbows, knees and cheeks, and her sudden calm baby demeanor. kevin's mom and grandma visited this past week and kept repeating over and over what a calm and happy baby layla is. of course they know the story that we tell them about her first 3-4 months, but they are not jaded by that. they saw her for who she is today without judging and it made me so happy. layla is pretty much a dream right now. but the two girls love each other so much. nobody can make layla smile bigger than kaia can. and kaia actually cried the other night because kevin forgot to let her say goodnight to layla and give her a hug and a kiss before he put her to bed. times are good and we are all so happy. except for daddy's pesky job. that always throws a wrench into things, doesn't it?

i cannot part with the clothes, yet. i was in tears as i watched my kids and smelled the little newborn baby clothes that were bought with love for both of my girls. and i know that they are material goods. i know that they can be replaced. but, the memories cannot. and i just cannot let go for good.

i have a bunch of clothes that were handed down to layla from another friend. most of them were out of season for us, so i will give those clothes instead. they will still be appreciated, i'm sure...and i will not have to give up my memories quite yet.

i love you girls and i hope that you grow to enjoy each other more and more everyday. i know i do.