dear me

i remember the day so clearly.  kevin was on deployment with his last ship and we were talking during one of our infrequent phone calls.  it happened to be the same phone call where i had to tell him about the lump in layla's breast.  so, when he told me that the deployment for the next ship he was going to had been "bumped up" in time, i didn't really care.  it didn't register.  i was too busy freaking out about layla. and my dad.  nothing else mattered.  everything else seemed minuscule in comparison.

and then everything seemed to settle down, as things always do.  and i was able to comprehend what this next year and a half looked like for our family.  and i have to say that i've had to approach the situation with a feeling of numbness.  because looking at moving overseas, coupled with a year and a half of single-parenting was just too much for me to wrap my head around.  my mantra became "one hour at a time".

kevin left on his last deployment last january 2009.  he came home in june.  we packed up our house in san diego, drove across the country and i stayed with his parents in north carolina for 3 months while he attended multiple trainings in virginia...making the 6 hour drive home EVERY SINGLE friday night, just to turn around and make the 6 hour drive back every sunday.  those were long, long weeks.  waiting for friday and dreading sunday...over and over and over.

at the end of kevin's training, we packed up, drove back across country, jumped on a plane in california and landed in hawaii.  we got our household goods and spent the two weeks he was here unpacking and hanging pictures on the walls.  i needed pictures on the walls.  i needed this to feel like home while he was gone.  again.  and i knew not a soul on the island.

there have been great days, there have been good days and there have been bad days.  and then there have been really bad days.  the days where i'm about 2 seconds from "phoning a friend" to come and take the girls. we aren't supposed to do this alone.  it's too much.  we are supposed to have a large support group of other mothers and a large extended family to help us.

i am lucky.  i know that i have made friends already here in hawaii who would drop anything if i needed something.  and i have a mom who would do the same, it might just take a little bit longer :)

i guess what i'm trying to say, as this deployment draws to an end...as all my feelings that i've been stuffing down as a means of daily survival finally rise to the surface, is that i'm proud of me.  this is hard.  i miss my husband terribly.  i worry that our girls' relationship with him will suffer when he is gone so much.  i FREAK out about how i am raising my chilren...am i doing it right?  there is no one here to help.  if they grow up to be complete monsters, i have no one to blame but myself.  and it's all just a lot to handle.  some days getting breakfast on the table is a lot to handle :)

but, we're here.  we survived.  a couple more weeks and we'll all be together again.  like it's supposed to be.  i need a hug.  a hug like only my husband can give as i crumble in his arms, finally able to release all the stress and loneliness and exhaustion and worry.  so that he can tell me it's ok.  we made it.  we made it.

i can't wait.

identity crisis

obviously i was not happy with my blog!  so, now it's all pretty.  maybe i'll hang around here more...

both of the girls are sick AGAIN.  wow, preschool is a super fun germ fest.  kaia was first this time, then layla.  now, as i sit here, my throat is beginning to get that tell tale tickle.  i'll be hitting the zinc.  i am DETERMED to figure out a way to care for two sick kids and not get sick myself.  is this even possible?  just a little bit ago, layla woke up and threw up in her crib.  i changed all of her sheets, blankets and jammies and i brought her back downstairs with me.  she layed on my chest while i sat on the couch.  she must have sneezed on me no less than 10 times.  the coughing was almost non-stop.  and when i put her back in her crib about and hour later, my shirt and shoulder were covered in yummy slimy snot :)  so, again i ask...how is it even possible that i wouldn't get sick?!  i'm keeping my fingers crossed, though.

today for some reason, i thought it would be a grand idea to count up the number of weeks that our family has all been together since last january (meaning me, kevin and the girls).  let's just suffice it to say that it was really depressing and probably not something i should be doing.  so, today was a day of wallowing.  tomorrow is a new day!

starting where you are...

i find i keep putting off updating this blog because it's been SO long.  and for some reason, i think i need to recap the past, oh, 9 months?!  that's crazy!  so, short version.  lots happened.  our life was pretty much chaos for the entire summer and fall.  the navy screwed us over as per usual.  and then kevin left on deployment (AGAIN!).

BUT, we're in hawaii again and we're SO happy to be back.  we love it. it felt like home the moment we got here.  we've made friends, we love our house, we love going to the beach in january.  we love our momma's group (yet miss our old terribly).  kaia loves school.  the jury is still out on whether or not kevin loves his ship, but i'm pretty sure he will never have another like the KIDD, and it is an experience to which he will compare any future ship.  and i'm pretty sure every comparison will leave the KIDD as the winner.  hands down.  but, we've got less than 3 years left on this ship.  and that SHOULD mark the end of all of this.

we are both just so tired of this lifestyle.  and i admire my husband because he loves his job.  but, we're just done done done.  he should be home in april and then we only have ONE more of these awful deployments to make it through.  one too many, but i'm thankful nonetheless.

here is a picture of kaia on her first day of preschool here in hawaii.

 

 aloha!

p.s OH!  i know many of you followed our scary breast lump situation with layla last year.  the u/s confirmed at that time that the lump was not a tumor, but no one could ever tell me anything else.  and while i was happy that it was not anything terribly alarming, i still wanted to know WHAT it was and WHY it was there.  so, at layla's 18 mos appt in november, i asked her pediatrician.  she gave us a referral to a pediatric endocrinologist.  so, i took her to that appointment at tripler this month, and come to find out?  it's TOTALLY not a big deal.  i really wonder why nobody thought they should tell me that almost a year ago?  but, i just wanted to put the info out there for any of you with baby girls.  sudden breast tissue development under the age of 2 (as long as it's not accompanied by any other signs of puberty) is totally harmless and actually common.  think of all the unnecessary gray hairs i now have...

inhale. exhale. inhale. exhale.

things are nuts right now.

layla's results came back normal from the ultrasound!!!!!!! we were of course ecstatic about that. i'm not sure i could have managed if that had not been the case.

the good news and her first birthday were somewhat overshadowed by the news that my dad's colon cancer had spread to the lymph nodes. the cancer is in stage 3. he was just released from the hospital today and is now recovering at home for the next 4 weeks. he will start chemo once he has recovered from the surgery. we are hopeful that he can fight through this.

i'm just trying to remember to breathe and take it one day at a time.

we've been up in orange county for the past week and will be leaving again on friday, so i have lots to do! i'm hoping to put up some pictures soon. as well as a couple of posts that i have drafted, but that are not complete. i'll try to work on those tomorrow.

for tonight...there is this song. i heard it for the first time on the way to layla's first doctor appointment about the lump i found in her breast. then i heard it while i was driving her to children's hospital for the ultrasound. i also heard it the morning i was driving to the hospital for my dad's surgery. and then that night as i left the hospital at 9:30pm after finding out his cancer had spread. i'm not really sure how i'm going through all of this without kevin here. but, i am. i know it wouldn't necessarily be easier if he were here. but, i could occasionally fall apart and he could help pick me back up. and that's just not an option at this point.

i love you baby (because i know you're reading this, even if you NEVER comment :))

currently playing...

most military spouses i know end up with a "soundtrack" for each deployment or long separation they go through. whether it's an intentional list of songs that they play to remind them of their loved ones, or a few random songs that seem to take on new meaning despite having heard them numerous times before, these songs seem to hold a place in your heart for eternity. even once your loved one returns, these songs bring you right back to those long months that seemed like they would never end.

these are a few that are pulling me through right now...

the first is jason mraz & colbie caillat's "lucky"



the next is jack johnson's "better together":

full disclosure: this song absolutely reminds me of my hubby, but i also might be a tiny bit in love with jack johnson! :)



another is ray lamontagne's "let it be me"

he kind of needs a hair cut.

dear daddy

hi! this posting of emails i've written is really easy! and lazy! see this one from today...

From: Kristin White
Sent: Wed 3/04/09 2:57 PM
To: Kevin White)
subj: hi daddy!

it's layla. i like to scream. i've been screaming and crying for two whole days now! my top teeth are trying to push through. i don't want to drink anything, formula or breastmilk. i don't want to sleep. i don't want mommy to hold me. and i don't want to play on the floor. i don't want to sit in the high chair or in the jeep. i don't want to get in the car. i don't want my sister to try and make me laugh, or tickle me.

mostly, i don't want to stop SCREAMING! i finally fell asleep after 8 pm last night (mommy put me down around 6:30). but, that was only after i threw up all over my bed and myself and my nighnigh doggie. and THEN, i woke up every hour on the hour for the rest of the night! and i cried whenever mommy put me back to bed. and then i woke up at 5 am. for the day! isn't that fun daddy? and then mommy thought i should finally take a nap around 10 this morning, so i did. for 45 minutes daddy! and then mommy put me down for a nap at 1:30 again and i slept AGAIN, for 25 minutes! mommy gave me a bottle, but i didn't want it and threw it out of my crib. she also tried to nurse me (many many many times) and i just keep biting her. she screams and i see actual tears in her eyes. i think it must hurt her pretty badly.

i think mommy is at the end of her rope. i'm trying to be good, but i'm in pain daddy. and i think i'm sick. again. maybe you should send mommy a big bottle of wine. or vodka. or a pack of cigarettes. or some illicit drugs. but, really i think she'd just be happy to have some sleep...and for me to stop SCREAMING...

i love you daddy!

love,
layla

in my own words...

part of an email i sent to kelly today...just because it sums up our whole day, pretty much.

i was embarrassed just because kaia had an accident (stupid, i know), but i was just embarassed for her.

kaia woke up from her nap screaming and crying. it went on for over an hour. and all she kept yelling was that she wanted daddy. can daddy ride his bike home from hong kong? can daddy color with me in hong kong, can we go visit daddy at work now...and on and on, except hysterical. i finally got her calmed down by putting on a movie, but man was i exhausted! so, i had a milkshake for dinner :)

we've talked/seen him on skype last night and again this morning and again tonight, so i think that may be making things worse instead of better. she doesn't understand that he's so far away since she can see him in the computer. but, i can't tell him or her that it's not a good idea.

yeah, maybe we can switch off mondays...and take the big kids out on their own. can't hurt, i'm sure...

i just keep telling myself it will all be funny one day. many years from now :) and when they're teenagers out doing god knows what, we'll wish they were just peeing their pants!

~k

today was one of the hard ones. hoping tomorrow will be better.

heart warming

today was pretty awesome. for some reason, i was able to look past the day to day monotony and see each moment for what it was. and appreciate it. my hope is to be able to do that all of the time, but it takes practice, that's for sure! anyway, this morning, i was holding layla and looking in the mirror like we always do. first she looked at my reflection in the mirror and said "mama" and then she looked at her reflection and said "baby". she continued by looking at the pictures of her and kaia on my dresser and saying baby to both of them. it was just one of those moments when you find it hard to believe that you made this little person. and they've come all of this way! how is she talking already??!! like i said, simple, but brought me to tears nonetheless.

today, kaia came up to me all distraught. i asked her what was the matter. she was crying and her hands were soaking wet. and in my mind, i'm like GREAT, what now? i could only imagine the mess i was going to find in the bathroom. instead she hysterically said, "WHERE IS DADDY'S TOWEL. WE HAVE TO GET DADDY'S TOWEL. MOMMY, WHERE IS DADDY'S TOWEL?!" i calmly explained that i had taken it down to wash it (finally!). and she continued "MOMMY, NO! WE HAVE TO LEAVE IT SO THAT DADDY CAN HAVE IT WHEN HE COMES HOME! MOMMY GET DADDY'S TOWEL!" needless to say, there is now a bath towel back on daddy's rack...holding a place for him until he gets home. it must have been one of those things that comforted her and made her confident that daddy is in fact coming back home...my bad.

and you know how on dora and lots of other tv shows they're always telling the kids what to do or say? well, for some reason, kaia JUST started doing whatever they say. it's so funny to watch and listen to! she was totally speaking spanish today!

one of my favorite moments from today was while layla was napping and kaia and i were snuggling on the couch. i went to get up to do something and kaia said "mommy, please don't go, i want to snuggle". so, i put off whatever it was i was going to do and stayed there with her. sometimes (okay a lot of the time!) i reminisce back to the time when kaia couldn't talk and remember how peaceful it was. no back talking, no screaming, no whining. but, THEN, all it takes is a moment like this and i am so thankul for her words.

thank you girls, you are making each day without your daddy enjoyable and i never thought that would be possible.

gibberish

subject #1
in case there was ANY doubt that kevin is gone for a lengthy period of time, let's review the tell-tale signs:

1. the ice maker is broken
2. one of the controls for the sprinklers has "sprung a leak" and is spraying water. all the time. 24/7.
3. the circuit(?) blew in the garage today, so the entire back wall of the garage has no power. this would include the fridge that's out there.

whew. good to know everything is normal!!!

subject #2
you know how you don't really realize the things you say all the time until you have a little person who repeats those things? today i ran upstairs to brush my teeth while kaia was downstairs coloring. she's never really colored on anything other than paper and her table (and the carpet, once) and she knows she's not supposed to. so, when i came downstairs to see her coloring on her toy kitchen, my jaw dropped and i yelled "kaia!, what is going ON??" in all seriousness, she set the crayon down, looked at me and said "mommy, i think i must have lost my mind". i could not help but laugh (great parenting skills, right?). apparently when she does things she's not supposed to i ask her if she's lost her mind :).

subject #3
apparently i can no longer stand these "santa ana" conditions in southern cali. for the past three days i've had crazy sinus headaches in the afternoon/evening.

that is all. sorry for the lack of any coherent thoughts!

just for tonight

kevin's schedule is pretty brutal right now, but we were lucky enough to see him for a couple of nights last week (haha! never thought i'd be saying i was lucky to see my husband for 2 days in six weeks!) we defintitely made the most of it and packed a bunch of stuff into two evenings. so, here are some pictures from those two days...










it's so confusing for a two year old (almost 3!). if i'm being honest, two days of daddy being home is almost worse than if he were to just stay gone, behavior-wise. of course we are all so happy to see him when he's here...even if it's only for a couple of days. but at two years old, kaia just doesn't have the skills to cope. i try to talk to her about it, but she deals with it in her own way. she bounces off the walls and backslides in behaviors and skills she's previously mastered. i try to just give her space and time, but that's hard, too. so, we have lots of hugs and sometimes tears. we read extra books and i lay with her in the bed at night before she falls asleep. and we don't sweat the small stuff. luckily her age also allows her to continue life as normal within a day or two. this is definitely not the life i had envisioned for my family way back when, but i wouldn't change it for the world. and in many ways it's better than i ever could have imagined. we all have so much fun when we're together. i just miss my best friend when he's gone...

the never ending test.

there has to be somebody who has done some type of study on military families. there has to be some explanation (other than the over-used murphy's law) as to why EVERYTHING BREAKS WHEN MY HUSBAND IS GONE!!!!!!!!!!! ahem. excuse me and my little outburst. i know i'm not the only one. it's pretty much a given for any military spouse.

the refrigerator is broken. the food is not cold. the freezer is fine? werid. i don't even know. so, i sent off a million emails to kevin. as if he's not busy working and is just lounging around on the computer waiting for my minute by minute update on "The Refrigerator Situation"...riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

so, i emptied the small fridge in the garage of all the beer (yeah, it's the beer fridge, go figure) and stuffed as much food as i could in there. the thing is...you don't realize until your REFRIGERATOR IS BROKEN, how many condiments and other items you have in there. it would cost a fortune to replace all that crap. so, again i had to call our friends who live across the street to rescue me. this is getting really old. i mean, i'm the first one to ask for help when i need it. i really do. but, i'd rather it not be a joke that EVERYTHING BREAKS WHEN MY HUSBAND IS GONE!!!!!!!!!!! because to me, it's not so funny.

is this some type of test? i constantly feel like i'm being tested. can i handle it? could i handle our long distance relationship from the beginning? i did. could i handle moving away from my family? i did. could i handle finding another job every time we moved? i did. could i handle raising two kids on my own most of the time? i am. can i handle a six month deployment when i know kevin will be in harm's way? i guess i don't have a choice. those are all big things. i can handle the big things, it seems. but, is all this little shit necessary?

in the week right before kevin came home from mississippi after being gone for 9 months: my toilet broke, my back went out and i could not move for 3 days, the computer crashed and something else, i don't remember now. at the beginning of the month my car broke down while he was gone. and now this time it's the refrigerator. oh, and let's not forget that his sister AND his grandfather died while he was gone. wtf? normal, please? oh wait...this is our life. it is NOT normal. maybe that's what all the tests are for? to somehow make me finally realize this. i married a man who wants nothing more than to take care of me and his family. unfortunately, he's not here a lot of the time to do that. so, i will do it for him...and me...and our kids. i expect my wonder woman costume should be arriving in the mail any day now :)

isn't it funny...

how things happen? i finally got up the courage to put up the post about kaia not missing daddy when he's gone. he has duty today. and guess what she's been saying all day?

"i just want my daddy to come back home" and talking about all the fun things they did yesterday.

thank GOD.

i mean, it made me tear up, but i was soooooooo relieved. i've always known that they have a great relationship and all that, but it was serioulsy beginning to concern me that she never mentioned missing him or wondering where he was, etc.

whew. cross that one off the mommy worry list.

your big, fat lying wife

in light of the ginormous fight i had with my husband on the phone a few hours ago, i have a confession to make. i am a big, fat liar. i lie to my husband regularly.

i tell him that kaia misses him while he's gone. the truth is that she never even mentions him. the truth is that i'm the one who brings up daddy's name everyday in the hopes that she remembers him. in the hopes that she is building SOME type of relationship with her daddy. in the hopes that she is not developing the same abandonment issues that her mother has just because her daddy comes and goes like the sun rises and sets. in the hopes that one day she will tell me that she misses daddy. or cry when he leaves. or CARE AT ALL. the indifference scares me more than if she was depressed or cried or did ANYTHING to show that she was missing her father...or even realized he was gone.

i suffer the consequences. the horrible behavior. the backsliding in potty training. the inability of a two year old to express what she's feeling. the confusion she must feel at seeing daddy come and go like the wind. the lack of the constant presence of a daddy. at least i had that. my dad was always there. i saw him just as much as a saw my mom.

today layla is 3 months old. and in the past three months, kevin has missed her first smile (on mother's day), her first giggle (last week) and her first earnest efforts to roll over and finally success in that endeavor (last week). he will probably miss her first crawling because he's due to be gone for 6 weeks around the time she turns 6 months old. and he'll most likely miss her first steps while he's on deployment. he'll also miss her first birthday.

july 20: i wrote this last week and saved it as a draft. i didn't want to post it because i felt it would make kevin sad if he were to read it. i wrote it out of anger. not at him, but at his job. going back and reading it, it's all true. so, i'm posting it.

edited to add: kevin read this post. he wasn't mad :)

am i the only one...

who does not like being a military wife? i feel like all i see are wonderful women who are so supportive of their husbands' careers. while i support my husband with all my heart, i think i totally resent the navy and sometimes him for being a part of it all. today kevin has duty. i dread these days and they seem to come all too often. every 6 days, daddy disappears. kaia somehow senses this from the time she wakes in the morning and is "off" ALL DAY LONG. and since layla's been born, i feel "off" ALL DAY LONG on duty days also. my heart actually hurts, as if it were the first day of a 6 month deployment or something!! i think i need perspective. one day away from my hubby is NOT going to make or break this family.
but THEN, throw in the 10 days here and the 12 days there, oh and don't forget the 6 weeks coming up later in the year. actually, he's gone at least half of each month through december... and we won't even speak of the 6 months that are creeping up on us faster and faster each day. i refused to even go on birth control because he's going to be gone so much, it doesn't really matter, does it?
the thing is, i signed up for this, too. but, at the time we didn't have babies. they are babies!!! these little girls need their daddy!!! and i didn't have the foresight to see how hard this would be on me and them. at 10 pm when i can't get the baby to sleep and i just need a break, there is nobody there. when i wake up at 3 am to feed the baby and i need to go pee, there is nobody to hold her while i do, so she just has to lay there and cry until i can make it back. i know, i'm whining. i wouldn't change anything in my life, and i'm trying to tell myself that this experience will make me a stronger woman and mother in the long run, BUT OH MY GOD, I REALLY HATE THE MILITARY LIFE SOMETIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm straight jealous of the moms who are able to say "my husband is going on a business trip for 2 days, OMG!" i am so happy for them that they never have to know the difficulty that is raising 2 kids while daddy is gone.
and then i remind myself that there are single mothers who do this EVERY single day of their lives. or military wives who have lost their husbands in iraq and also do this every single day and their husband is NEVER coming home. like i said, i need perspective, but i still cannot deny that this is the most difficult thing i have ever ever ever done. and occasionally i just need to pout and cry about it because i just don't like it at all.
i love you baby.