am i the only one...

who does not like being a military wife? i feel like all i see are wonderful women who are so supportive of their husbands' careers. while i support my husband with all my heart, i think i totally resent the navy and sometimes him for being a part of it all. today kevin has duty. i dread these days and they seem to come all too often. every 6 days, daddy disappears. kaia somehow senses this from the time she wakes in the morning and is "off" ALL DAY LONG. and since layla's been born, i feel "off" ALL DAY LONG on duty days also. my heart actually hurts, as if it were the first day of a 6 month deployment or something!! i think i need perspective. one day away from my hubby is NOT going to make or break this family.
but THEN, throw in the 10 days here and the 12 days there, oh and don't forget the 6 weeks coming up later in the year. actually, he's gone at least half of each month through december... and we won't even speak of the 6 months that are creeping up on us faster and faster each day. i refused to even go on birth control because he's going to be gone so much, it doesn't really matter, does it?
the thing is, i signed up for this, too. but, at the time we didn't have babies. they are babies!!! these little girls need their daddy!!! and i didn't have the foresight to see how hard this would be on me and them. at 10 pm when i can't get the baby to sleep and i just need a break, there is nobody there. when i wake up at 3 am to feed the baby and i need to go pee, there is nobody to hold her while i do, so she just has to lay there and cry until i can make it back. i know, i'm whining. i wouldn't change anything in my life, and i'm trying to tell myself that this experience will make me a stronger woman and mother in the long run, BUT OH MY GOD, I REALLY HATE THE MILITARY LIFE SOMETIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm straight jealous of the moms who are able to say "my husband is going on a business trip for 2 days, OMG!" i am so happy for them that they never have to know the difficulty that is raising 2 kids while daddy is gone.
and then i remind myself that there are single mothers who do this EVERY single day of their lives. or military wives who have lost their husbands in iraq and also do this every single day and their husband is NEVER coming home. like i said, i need perspective, but i still cannot deny that this is the most difficult thing i have ever ever ever done. and occasionally i just need to pout and cry about it because i just don't like it at all.
i love you baby.