la cucaracha OR the dark side of paradise

this post is not for the faint of heart.  it involves things that make me scream like a little girl.  more accruately, these things make me scream bloody murder.  i am honestly shocked that the police have not been called to my house on two separate occasions.

anyway, i am quick to talk about all of the lovely aspects of living on a tropical island, but there are drawbacks.  aren't there always?

kaia actually just came up to me and told me that while she was upstairs, a black bug was playing on her hand.  she thought it was a "misskeeter".  this is just normal to us now.

anyway, don't laugh.  but, there is a cockroach in one of my kitchen drawers.  seriously.  it's trapped under 3 plastic baby cups with a heavy pint glass on top so that it cannot get out.  i first saw this guy (UGH, it's hard to even talk about it!) over a WEEK ago.  i opened the drawer, i saw it skittering around, i screamed bloody murder and slammed a cup over it.  see, the thing about roaches in hawaii?  they FLY!  so, not only are you grossed out and disgusted?  you have to worry that the stupid thing is going to fly in your face.  which, omg.  not happening.  the other thing about roaches in hawaii?  it's not like the mainland where you only find roaches in "dirty" places.  no, here they are pretty much everywhere...clean, dirty and in between.  luckily this is the first time i've had one IN THE HOUSE.  i knew it was inevitable, but you're just really never prepared to see that.

so, a week ago, i slammed this cup over it.  and then?  i didn't touch it.  i decided i would leave it there to die and then MAYBE i could stomach picking it up with about 70 billion papertowels in between it and my hand.  if you are like some of my friends here, you might ask...kristin?  why not just spray bug spray on the thing and kill it quickly?  you know...so there's not a LIVE roach living in your kitchen?  and my answer would be the same to you...because it's in the drawer with all my babies' cups and plates and bowls.  have you ever tried to clean bug spray?  i've had the unfortunate experience of having to do that here, only outside on the cement.  and it is so GREASY and it never really goes away.  and that just gives me even more heebie jeebies than the little dude himself.  so, there he sat.

i thought i was being overly cautious by waiting a week.  i mean seriously?  it has no food, no water, no anything.  so, yesterday i prepared myself with my giant wad of papertowels and lifted those cups up and the stupid thing starts crawling around!  me: SCREAM! kaia: mommy, what's wrong?  i wanna see!  did you see a bug?! layla: mama ok?  me: slam cups back down and slam drawer.  how mature.  i just cannot bring myself to deal with that thing while it is alive.  so, here i sit...knowing that there is a roach in my kitchen drawer.  somebody PLEASE send me a husband!

and, if you can believe it, the next category of complete and utter disgusting creatures that i see on a regular basis is WAY worse than the cucaracha.  and i have a picture.  of one IN MY HOUSE.  my mom found it at about 11pm one night.  i had gone upstair to go to bed.  before i fell asleep, i went down the hall to check on the girls.  as i was walking back to my room, i hear my mom: "i don't know what to do.  i don't know what to do.  omg, i don't know what to do."  so, of course i come down the stairs.  my mom is standing there holding a giant knife while wearing her pajamas and robe (which is oh so funny to me now!).  anyway, when i got down the stairs, this is what i found.  seriously you guys, it's so disgusting.

 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  i can hardly even look at it.  ugh.  anyway, everybody meet mr. centipede!!  this one was about 6 inches long.  the run SUPER fast and do NOT want to die.  i will not bore you with the entire story of me and my mom finally killing and disposing of this thing.  just know that it was disgusting and hilarious and LOUD.  i still cannot believe this thing was in my house.  it still creeps me out SO bad.

so, who wants to come visit?!  :)  aloha!

identity crisis

obviously i was not happy with my blog!  so, now it's all pretty.  maybe i'll hang around here more...

both of the girls are sick AGAIN.  wow, preschool is a super fun germ fest.  kaia was first this time, then layla.  now, as i sit here, my throat is beginning to get that tell tale tickle.  i'll be hitting the zinc.  i am DETERMED to figure out a way to care for two sick kids and not get sick myself.  is this even possible?  just a little bit ago, layla woke up and threw up in her crib.  i changed all of her sheets, blankets and jammies and i brought her back downstairs with me.  she layed on my chest while i sat on the couch.  she must have sneezed on me no less than 10 times.  the coughing was almost non-stop.  and when i put her back in her crib about and hour later, my shirt and shoulder were covered in yummy slimy snot :)  so, again i ask...how is it even possible that i wouldn't get sick?!  i'm keeping my fingers crossed, though.

today for some reason, i thought it would be a grand idea to count up the number of weeks that our family has all been together since last january (meaning me, kevin and the girls).  let's just suffice it to say that it was really depressing and probably not something i should be doing.  so, today was a day of wallowing.  tomorrow is a new day!

starting where you are...

i find i keep putting off updating this blog because it's been SO long.  and for some reason, i think i need to recap the past, oh, 9 months?!  that's crazy!  so, short version.  lots happened.  our life was pretty much chaos for the entire summer and fall.  the navy screwed us over as per usual.  and then kevin left on deployment (AGAIN!).

BUT, we're in hawaii again and we're SO happy to be back.  we love it. it felt like home the moment we got here.  we've made friends, we love our house, we love going to the beach in january.  we love our momma's group (yet miss our old terribly).  kaia loves school.  the jury is still out on whether or not kevin loves his ship, but i'm pretty sure he will never have another like the KIDD, and it is an experience to which he will compare any future ship.  and i'm pretty sure every comparison will leave the KIDD as the winner.  hands down.  but, we've got less than 3 years left on this ship.  and that SHOULD mark the end of all of this.

we are both just so tired of this lifestyle.  and i admire my husband because he loves his job.  but, we're just done done done.  he should be home in april and then we only have ONE more of these awful deployments to make it through.  one too many, but i'm thankful nonetheless.

here is a picture of kaia on her first day of preschool here in hawaii.

 

 aloha!

p.s OH!  i know many of you followed our scary breast lump situation with layla last year.  the u/s confirmed at that time that the lump was not a tumor, but no one could ever tell me anything else.  and while i was happy that it was not anything terribly alarming, i still wanted to know WHAT it was and WHY it was there.  so, at layla's 18 mos appt in november, i asked her pediatrician.  she gave us a referral to a pediatric endocrinologist.  so, i took her to that appointment at tripler this month, and come to find out?  it's TOTALLY not a big deal.  i really wonder why nobody thought they should tell me that almost a year ago?  but, i just wanted to put the info out there for any of you with baby girls.  sudden breast tissue development under the age of 2 (as long as it's not accompanied by any other signs of puberty) is totally harmless and actually common.  think of all the unnecessary gray hairs i now have...

inhale. exhale. inhale. exhale.

things are nuts right now.

layla's results came back normal from the ultrasound!!!!!!! we were of course ecstatic about that. i'm not sure i could have managed if that had not been the case.

the good news and her first birthday were somewhat overshadowed by the news that my dad's colon cancer had spread to the lymph nodes. the cancer is in stage 3. he was just released from the hospital today and is now recovering at home for the next 4 weeks. he will start chemo once he has recovered from the surgery. we are hopeful that he can fight through this.

i'm just trying to remember to breathe and take it one day at a time.

we've been up in orange county for the past week and will be leaving again on friday, so i have lots to do! i'm hoping to put up some pictures soon. as well as a couple of posts that i have drafted, but that are not complete. i'll try to work on those tomorrow.

for tonight...there is this song. i heard it for the first time on the way to layla's first doctor appointment about the lump i found in her breast. then i heard it while i was driving her to children's hospital for the ultrasound. i also heard it the morning i was driving to the hospital for my dad's surgery. and then that night as i left the hospital at 9:30pm after finding out his cancer had spread. i'm not really sure how i'm going through all of this without kevin here. but, i am. i know it wouldn't necessarily be easier if he were here. but, i could occasionally fall apart and he could help pick me back up. and that's just not an option at this point.

i love you baby (because i know you're reading this, even if you NEVER comment :))

you know you're a mom when...

the other night i was sound asleep. i think it was around midnight when layla's cries woke me up through the monitor. and it wasn't a fussing cry, but a cry that something was wrong. as i always do, i went straight to her room, picked her up and tried to diagnose the problem. there was nothing wrong that was apparent to me, but obviously she was having trouble getting back to sleep. so, i sat down in the glider with her...and then it hit me. i had to pee. this ALWAYS happens to me. you would think after two kids i would wise up and assess my bladder situation BEFORE going to get the baby. but, no. does this happen to everyone? or is it like when i was a kid and would play hide and seek and EVERY single time i was hiding i had to pee all of a sudden. it's like the fact that you "can't" makes it worse...

anyway, layla was not crying, but when i tried to put her down in the crib, she started wailing again. i didn't want to leave her there crying and i definitely didn't want two kids up at that hour, so i took her with me to the bathroom. i knew it wouldn't work, but i started to set her down on the ground right next to the toilet. JUST FOR A SECOND?! PLEASE?! nope. wailing again. so, i held her on my lap while i peed. except for her head was on my right shoulder, and she was in my right arm. and the toilet paper was on the right side of the toilet, on the wall. and she had almost fallen asleep! just like that! (i swear i was not on there that long :)) so, what did i do? i did not want to move her over to my other side and i could not reach the toilet paper with my left hand. so, i sat there. seriously. for like 10 minutes. until she was completely asleep. then i transferred her to the other arm, took care of business (i even washed my hand!) and then put her back to bed. and the whole time i was sitting on the toilet (because i didn't have a whole lot else to do) i was thinking: did i ever in my life think i would sit on a toilet for 10 minutes waiting for my child to go to sleep? but, i did. and i would do it again in a heartbeat :)

currently playing...

most military spouses i know end up with a "soundtrack" for each deployment or long separation they go through. whether it's an intentional list of songs that they play to remind them of their loved ones, or a few random songs that seem to take on new meaning despite having heard them numerous times before, these songs seem to hold a place in your heart for eternity. even once your loved one returns, these songs bring you right back to those long months that seemed like they would never end.

these are a few that are pulling me through right now...

the first is jason mraz & colbie caillat's "lucky"



the next is jack johnson's "better together":

full disclosure: this song absolutely reminds me of my hubby, but i also might be a tiny bit in love with jack johnson! :)



another is ray lamontagne's "let it be me"

he kind of needs a hair cut.

dear daddy

hi! this posting of emails i've written is really easy! and lazy! see this one from today...

From: Kristin White
Sent: Wed 3/04/09 2:57 PM
To: Kevin White)
subj: hi daddy!

it's layla. i like to scream. i've been screaming and crying for two whole days now! my top teeth are trying to push through. i don't want to drink anything, formula or breastmilk. i don't want to sleep. i don't want mommy to hold me. and i don't want to play on the floor. i don't want to sit in the high chair or in the jeep. i don't want to get in the car. i don't want my sister to try and make me laugh, or tickle me.

mostly, i don't want to stop SCREAMING! i finally fell asleep after 8 pm last night (mommy put me down around 6:30). but, that was only after i threw up all over my bed and myself and my nighnigh doggie. and THEN, i woke up every hour on the hour for the rest of the night! and i cried whenever mommy put me back to bed. and then i woke up at 5 am. for the day! isn't that fun daddy? and then mommy thought i should finally take a nap around 10 this morning, so i did. for 45 minutes daddy! and then mommy put me down for a nap at 1:30 again and i slept AGAIN, for 25 minutes! mommy gave me a bottle, but i didn't want it and threw it out of my crib. she also tried to nurse me (many many many times) and i just keep biting her. she screams and i see actual tears in her eyes. i think it must hurt her pretty badly.

i think mommy is at the end of her rope. i'm trying to be good, but i'm in pain daddy. and i think i'm sick. again. maybe you should send mommy a big bottle of wine. or vodka. or a pack of cigarettes. or some illicit drugs. but, really i think she'd just be happy to have some sleep...and for me to stop SCREAMING...

i love you daddy!

love,
layla

in my own words...

part of an email i sent to kelly today...just because it sums up our whole day, pretty much.

i was embarrassed just because kaia had an accident (stupid, i know), but i was just embarassed for her.

kaia woke up from her nap screaming and crying. it went on for over an hour. and all she kept yelling was that she wanted daddy. can daddy ride his bike home from hong kong? can daddy color with me in hong kong, can we go visit daddy at work now...and on and on, except hysterical. i finally got her calmed down by putting on a movie, but man was i exhausted! so, i had a milkshake for dinner :)

we've talked/seen him on skype last night and again this morning and again tonight, so i think that may be making things worse instead of better. she doesn't understand that he's so far away since she can see him in the computer. but, i can't tell him or her that it's not a good idea.

yeah, maybe we can switch off mondays...and take the big kids out on their own. can't hurt, i'm sure...

i just keep telling myself it will all be funny one day. many years from now :) and when they're teenagers out doing god knows what, we'll wish they were just peeing their pants!

~k

today was one of the hard ones. hoping tomorrow will be better.

heart warming

today was pretty awesome. for some reason, i was able to look past the day to day monotony and see each moment for what it was. and appreciate it. my hope is to be able to do that all of the time, but it takes practice, that's for sure! anyway, this morning, i was holding layla and looking in the mirror like we always do. first she looked at my reflection in the mirror and said "mama" and then she looked at her reflection and said "baby". she continued by looking at the pictures of her and kaia on my dresser and saying baby to both of them. it was just one of those moments when you find it hard to believe that you made this little person. and they've come all of this way! how is she talking already??!! like i said, simple, but brought me to tears nonetheless.

today, kaia came up to me all distraught. i asked her what was the matter. she was crying and her hands were soaking wet. and in my mind, i'm like GREAT, what now? i could only imagine the mess i was going to find in the bathroom. instead she hysterically said, "WHERE IS DADDY'S TOWEL. WE HAVE TO GET DADDY'S TOWEL. MOMMY, WHERE IS DADDY'S TOWEL?!" i calmly explained that i had taken it down to wash it (finally!). and she continued "MOMMY, NO! WE HAVE TO LEAVE IT SO THAT DADDY CAN HAVE IT WHEN HE COMES HOME! MOMMY GET DADDY'S TOWEL!" needless to say, there is now a bath towel back on daddy's rack...holding a place for him until he gets home. it must have been one of those things that comforted her and made her confident that daddy is in fact coming back home...my bad.

and you know how on dora and lots of other tv shows they're always telling the kids what to do or say? well, for some reason, kaia JUST started doing whatever they say. it's so funny to watch and listen to! she was totally speaking spanish today!

one of my favorite moments from today was while layla was napping and kaia and i were snuggling on the couch. i went to get up to do something and kaia said "mommy, please don't go, i want to snuggle". so, i put off whatever it was i was going to do and stayed there with her. sometimes (okay a lot of the time!) i reminisce back to the time when kaia couldn't talk and remember how peaceful it was. no back talking, no screaming, no whining. but, THEN, all it takes is a moment like this and i am so thankul for her words.

thank you girls, you are making each day without your daddy enjoyable and i never thought that would be possible.

soooooooooooo...

HI! my poor deserted blog. i have to just write something. or i will continue to write nothing. so, the excuses are as follows: holidays, then more holidays. but, that's just a cover up. i think the real issue? i was afraid. i was afraid to give words to all of the emotions that i have been feeling. the anticipation of kevin's deployment required all i had in me to hold it together. had i given words to those emotions, i think i would have fallen apart. denial served me much better in this instance.

but, he's gone. and i'm okay. we're all okay. so, let the blogging begin!

happy valentine's day!

i was surprised (to say the least) with flowers from my wonderful man today. given that he's sitting on a ship in the middle of the ocean, i'm not quite sure how he managed that, but he did. even though i cut my hair :) and i'm flattered. love you babe.