dear me

i remember the day so clearly.  kevin was on deployment with his last ship and we were talking during one of our infrequent phone calls.  it happened to be the same phone call where i had to tell him about the lump in layla's breast.  so, when he told me that the deployment for the next ship he was going to had been "bumped up" in time, i didn't really care.  it didn't register.  i was too busy freaking out about layla. and my dad.  nothing else mattered.  everything else seemed minuscule in comparison.

and then everything seemed to settle down, as things always do.  and i was able to comprehend what this next year and a half looked like for our family.  and i have to say that i've had to approach the situation with a feeling of numbness.  because looking at moving overseas, coupled with a year and a half of single-parenting was just too much for me to wrap my head around.  my mantra became "one hour at a time".

kevin left on his last deployment last january 2009.  he came home in june.  we packed up our house in san diego, drove across the country and i stayed with his parents in north carolina for 3 months while he attended multiple trainings in virginia...making the 6 hour drive home EVERY SINGLE friday night, just to turn around and make the 6 hour drive back every sunday.  those were long, long weeks.  waiting for friday and dreading sunday...over and over and over.

at the end of kevin's training, we packed up, drove back across country, jumped on a plane in california and landed in hawaii.  we got our household goods and spent the two weeks he was here unpacking and hanging pictures on the walls.  i needed pictures on the walls.  i needed this to feel like home while he was gone.  again.  and i knew not a soul on the island.

there have been great days, there have been good days and there have been bad days.  and then there have been really bad days.  the days where i'm about 2 seconds from "phoning a friend" to come and take the girls. we aren't supposed to do this alone.  it's too much.  we are supposed to have a large support group of other mothers and a large extended family to help us.

i am lucky.  i know that i have made friends already here in hawaii who would drop anything if i needed something.  and i have a mom who would do the same, it might just take a little bit longer :)

i guess what i'm trying to say, as this deployment draws to an end...as all my feelings that i've been stuffing down as a means of daily survival finally rise to the surface, is that i'm proud of me.  this is hard.  i miss my husband terribly.  i worry that our girls' relationship with him will suffer when he is gone so much.  i FREAK out about how i am raising my chilren...am i doing it right?  there is no one here to help.  if they grow up to be complete monsters, i have no one to blame but myself.  and it's all just a lot to handle.  some days getting breakfast on the table is a lot to handle :)

but, we're here.  we survived.  a couple more weeks and we'll all be together again.  like it's supposed to be.  i need a hug.  a hug like only my husband can give as i crumble in his arms, finally able to release all the stress and loneliness and exhaustion and worry.  so that he can tell me it's ok.  we made it.  we made it.

i can't wait.

inhale. exhale. inhale. exhale.

things are nuts right now.

layla's results came back normal from the ultrasound!!!!!!! we were of course ecstatic about that. i'm not sure i could have managed if that had not been the case.

the good news and her first birthday were somewhat overshadowed by the news that my dad's colon cancer had spread to the lymph nodes. the cancer is in stage 3. he was just released from the hospital today and is now recovering at home for the next 4 weeks. he will start chemo once he has recovered from the surgery. we are hopeful that he can fight through this.

i'm just trying to remember to breathe and take it one day at a time.

we've been up in orange county for the past week and will be leaving again on friday, so i have lots to do! i'm hoping to put up some pictures soon. as well as a couple of posts that i have drafted, but that are not complete. i'll try to work on those tomorrow.

for tonight...there is this song. i heard it for the first time on the way to layla's first doctor appointment about the lump i found in her breast. then i heard it while i was driving her to children's hospital for the ultrasound. i also heard it the morning i was driving to the hospital for my dad's surgery. and then that night as i left the hospital at 9:30pm after finding out his cancer had spread. i'm not really sure how i'm going through all of this without kevin here. but, i am. i know it wouldn't necessarily be easier if he were here. but, i could occasionally fall apart and he could help pick me back up. and that's just not an option at this point.

i love you baby (because i know you're reading this, even if you NEVER comment :))