dear me

i remember the day so clearly.  kevin was on deployment with his last ship and we were talking during one of our infrequent phone calls.  it happened to be the same phone call where i had to tell him about the lump in layla's breast.  so, when he told me that the deployment for the next ship he was going to had been "bumped up" in time, i didn't really care.  it didn't register.  i was too busy freaking out about layla. and my dad.  nothing else mattered.  everything else seemed minuscule in comparison.

and then everything seemed to settle down, as things always do.  and i was able to comprehend what this next year and a half looked like for our family.  and i have to say that i've had to approach the situation with a feeling of numbness.  because looking at moving overseas, coupled with a year and a half of single-parenting was just too much for me to wrap my head around.  my mantra became "one hour at a time".

kevin left on his last deployment last january 2009.  he came home in june.  we packed up our house in san diego, drove across the country and i stayed with his parents in north carolina for 3 months while he attended multiple trainings in virginia...making the 6 hour drive home EVERY SINGLE friday night, just to turn around and make the 6 hour drive back every sunday.  those were long, long weeks.  waiting for friday and dreading sunday...over and over and over.

at the end of kevin's training, we packed up, drove back across country, jumped on a plane in california and landed in hawaii.  we got our household goods and spent the two weeks he was here unpacking and hanging pictures on the walls.  i needed pictures on the walls.  i needed this to feel like home while he was gone.  again.  and i knew not a soul on the island.

there have been great days, there have been good days and there have been bad days.  and then there have been really bad days.  the days where i'm about 2 seconds from "phoning a friend" to come and take the girls. we aren't supposed to do this alone.  it's too much.  we are supposed to have a large support group of other mothers and a large extended family to help us.

i am lucky.  i know that i have made friends already here in hawaii who would drop anything if i needed something.  and i have a mom who would do the same, it might just take a little bit longer :)

i guess what i'm trying to say, as this deployment draws to an end...as all my feelings that i've been stuffing down as a means of daily survival finally rise to the surface, is that i'm proud of me.  this is hard.  i miss my husband terribly.  i worry that our girls' relationship with him will suffer when he is gone so much.  i FREAK out about how i am raising my chilren...am i doing it right?  there is no one here to help.  if they grow up to be complete monsters, i have no one to blame but myself.  and it's all just a lot to handle.  some days getting breakfast on the table is a lot to handle :)

but, we're here.  we survived.  a couple more weeks and we'll all be together again.  like it's supposed to be.  i need a hug.  a hug like only my husband can give as i crumble in his arms, finally able to release all the stress and loneliness and exhaustion and worry.  so that he can tell me it's ok.  we made it.  we made it.

i can't wait.