april 9th, 2008

i remember this day so well. the details are almost more clear than april 10th, layla's birthday. my emotions were so over the top crazy that i could barely stand myself. it was all i could do to hold it together all day. i will have to say that there are benefits to knowing the day you are going to meet your new baby and there are also definite drawbacks. i was kind of a mess. what a surprise, right?

i have yet to write out kaia's birth story. mostly because it was somewhat traumatic for me. it was exactly the opposite of the way i wished everything would have turned out...with the exception of the healthy baby and mama of course. which is the ultimate blessing, and what i have leaned on time after time, whenever i feel disappointed in the way things turned out. but, for times sake, lets just leave it at the fact that i had a c-section with kaia. and my OB was all about ME making the decision as to what i wanted to do with layla (repeat C or VBAC).

anyhow, this was the day that i thought i was going to ruin my first daughter's life! i was still so in love with her. there was no way i could even imagine loving another baby in the same way. and i was so fearful of how kaia would react. i didn't want to hurt her. i didn't want her to feel left out or overlooked. i didn't want her to feel pushed aside for the "new baby". and i remember just holding her. rocking her in the glider and bawling my eyes out. repeatedly telling her how much i loved her. hoping and hoping and hoping that everything would be okay and that she would LOVE her sister and not feel replaced by her. she had had all the attention up until now and how in the world was she going to deal with losing a bunch of that attention as it was redistributed to our new baby girl? i am happy to say that kaia has never shown anything other than complete exuberance for her baby sister. sometimes it is over the top. but, it's love. and love is all you need.

the other thing i had struggled with for the duration of my pregnancy with layla was death. was it responsible of me to choose an "elective" c-section and to subject me and my new baby to surgery without a definite need? believe me when i say that i ponderend over this decision for the entire 9 months of my pregnancy with layla. i had a husband that expressed his opinion, but at the same time was fully supportive of whatever decision i felt most comfortable with. i had an OB that supported whatever decision i eventually made. and i chose the C. i don't feel the need to justify the reasons to anyone else, but after all is said and done, i am okay with my decision. in the middle of the ordeal, however, i was so scared. but, obviously i was more scared of trying the VBAC and having it end as it did with kaia. my head told me to go with the C and my heart said VBAC. i went with my head in this instance.

me and kevin and my mom and kaia went to dinner the night before layla was born. i was fine. it was yummy dinner. at the end of the meal, the waitress asked when i was due (probably because i looked like i was going to explode at any minute!). when i told her that i was scheduled for a c-section the next day, she politely and sincerly expressed her hope that everything would work out okay and that the baby and i would both be fine. as soon as the words left her mouth, the waterworks started. i was the DD and had to drive home. and i could not stop crying! i was so afraid that my decision to have surgery was going to leave me gone and my husband to raise two beautiful girls. i could not let go of this fear. my sleep this night was fitful and scarce. at 6 am i awoke to an alarm. i called the hospital and they confirmed that they wanted us there in about 15 mins. my anxiety kicked into high gear at this point!

(to be continued. with layla's birth story)