holding

i haven't been posting. because i've essentially been holding my breath for the past week. and i didn't want to say anything because i don't want to be an alarmist. but, i've decided that i will feel better if i say something. and that we can use all the prayers, good thoughts, whatever that anyone reading this can muster.

last weekend, as i was putting lotion on layla after her bath, i noticed a (relatively) large lump under her left nipple. i decided to give it until monday to see what happened. on monday it was still there, so i called the doctor at 8:30am. i was expecting to get an appointment sometime within the week, but they had me come in at 11:30am. i was kind of caught off guard because i didn't think i would be dealing with it so soon! i was soon overcome with fear, anxiety and relief (that we would get to the bottom of whatever this was).

so, we went to the doctor. she measured the lump at 1.5 cm. she asked a million questions. in those questions, the issue of lavender oil came up. she asked if we used any products with lavender oil in them. off the top of my head, i only mentioned that i had used some johnson's lavender lotion on her on saturday. but, that was the first and only time i had ever used that particular lotion on her. she mentioned some studies that are being done regarding lavender oil and the development of breast tissue in babies. she would get back to me. but, in the meantime, let's set up an ultrasound to determine the size and texture of the lump. she told me that from all the questions i had answered that this sounds like something benign, but we need to make sure. we also discussed other possibilities, including extra estrogen from me because of extended breastfeeding, but i told her that my milk supply was not much and that actually that day was the first day that layla had not nursed at all, as she had begun weaning.

so, i walked out of there just about as terrified as when i had walked in. i was honestly hoping that she would tell me "oh that? that's nothing! no worries!", but she didn't say that. don't get me wrong, i LOVE our doctor. but, she can't responsibly tell me that everything is going to fine and that nothing is wrong...and isn't that what we all want as mothers?

later that night (at 7:15pm!) the pediatrician called me at home. she looked further into the studies and wanted to tell me to stop using any products with lavender in them. i told her that since we had last spoke, i realized that layla's everyday lotion (california baby calming) has lavender in it. as does the fabric softener i was using. she recommended stopping use of all of those products so that we could see what happened when we did. in the studies she had read, the breast tissue development resolved upon discontinuation of the use of the lavender products.

when we were on the phone, i told her that she had not mentioned that layla's lump may be breast tissue. is that what she thought it was and not...? she said the words, "no, i do not think it's cancer", but obviously we both reiterated that she cannot know that for sure until more evaluation is completed. however, those words were so reassuring to me.

i tried to keep this from kevin. because i knew how helpless and scared i felt. and i imagined that he would feel 10 million times more helpless, and i was right. but, i needed him to know. i needed my best friend in what seemed like my worst nightmare. and so, we're walking through this together. and i'm hoping that's all it is, is just a walk. a walk on the beach, preferably.

the rest of this week was spent on the phone between our doctor's office, our insurance company, various radiology/imaging places and finally children's hospital. i'm mentally exhausted (hence the margarita i'm drinking right now!) i finally got layla an appointment at children's for next tuesday, april 7th. the prospect of even going to children's hospital kind of freaked me out. but, now i'm happy about it. i'm sure they are much more equipped and skilled at doing an ultrasound on a baby. i also hope they are skilled at calming the nerves of terrified mothers.

layla is acting normal. although she's had a cold for the past week and today she developed a fever and was not acting like herself. i called the doctor and she said to wait it out until tomorrow, although if things got worse to go to the ER (i wanted to make sure that the two issues were not in any way related, and she said, no). layla fell asleep in the exersaucer this morning at 8:30 am! then napped for 3 hours, then napped for 3 more hours and now is in bed for the night at 6:30pm. she's eating and peeing and everything, but it still kind of scared me. she just had no energy (although after the second 3 hour nap, her temp was normal and she was playing with kaia, so that made me feel better).

in the meantime, my daddy was just diagnosed with colon cancer a couple of weeks ago. he is undergoing surgery to remove the tumor next week on the 9th, so we will be traveling up to orange county to be there for that. and layla's first birthday! and easter!

ugh, we need some serious good thoughts and prayers this month...and maybe more margaritas :)

p.s. i don't want anyone/everyone who is using anything with lavender in them to stop using them just because of this! it's just something we're exploring. i can't say that i'm convinced that the lavender is the cause, but i'm obviously willing to try anything to get to the bottom of this. not trying to scare anybody!!