inevitability

my dad called last night. they don't know what's the matter with grandpa. he cannot walk on his own anymore. he needs to be on oxygen for the rest of his life. his pancreas is inflamed and/or infected. his white blood cell count is way too high. he doesn't communicate very well and only answers yes and no to conversation (i laughed at this because that's all he's ever done on the phone!) he hates the food in the convalescent home.

my mom emailed earlier in the week. mamo is the same. she is hallucinating about dogs and birds and all kinds of crazy things. she also cannot walk anymore. she also dislikes the food and is in a convalescent home. she sent a sympathy card to kevin following the death of his grandpa, but not one to our family following layla's birth. my feelings aren't hurt about this, it's just an indication of her condition to me.

kevin's grandpa passed away 2 weeks ago after having been in a convalescent home for 4 months.

and now you can see a theme. it seems we have hit that point in our lives where our older relatives will inevitably be moving on. we have both lost grandparents prior to this point, but it was due to either tragic accidents or disease, not just old age. so, i guess you can say it was unexpected. now, it's like a waiting game...unfortunately.

and everytime the phone rings at an unusual hour, i immediately think someone is calling to tell us that one of our grandparents has passed away.

and ultimately, the most difficult decisions we both have had to make is WHEN to make the trip. in the case of kevin's grandpa, he did not get a chance to get back to indiana to see him while he was sick. so, he went last week for the funeral. and now i'm trying to balance my life with trying to determine whether going to see my grandpa is feasible. i know it's not. monetarily and logistically (hello, toddler! AND newborn! AND husband is gone all the time!), but i don't want to regret that decision. i also have not seen mamo since december...and she's only 5 hours away. but, a 5 hour trip with a toddler and newborn is also a logistical nightmare, not to mention the dilemma of having nowhere to stay once up there.

so, i feel trapped and like i'm not doing the right thing. i know we'll eventually get up to see mamo (all four of us in one hotel room is going to be, um...fun?), but grandpa, i'm not so sure. and trying to reconcile that i will never see him (alive) again is really difficult to process.